He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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