Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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