Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
