ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Semen is not good for contacts.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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