i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
