I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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