i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
