There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
