i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
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I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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