I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
