Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
