I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
