You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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