Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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