We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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