mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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