My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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