i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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