Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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