I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
