I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
