I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I cut my penus on the lid.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
