I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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