Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
