So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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