I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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