they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
