please come you make the beer taste better
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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