totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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