I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
