Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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