nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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