I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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