Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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