I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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