I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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