I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
