He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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