why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
