Just fell off a train. Bad.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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