Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I want to fling myself into the sun
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
