Who wears a wallet chain?!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
