I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
