God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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