Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
