Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
