You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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