I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
