Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
