I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
