Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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