if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize