i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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