And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
