i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
