First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
