I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
