Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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