i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize