I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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