all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
