I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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